Thursday, January 13, 2011

Is this a nightmare?

So I think I am living a total nightmare. I keep thinking I will wake up and this is just a horrible dream. I think my heart is where my head is - just not sure what is happening. The Monday night after Christmas we got a call that my brother was life flighted after being in a car accident while on duty. He never regained conciousness and died 8 days later. He was 39 and a great guy. I loved him and he loved me - our family loved him and he loved us. It is just so bizarre to imagine he is gone and will be gone for the rest of my life. I am suddenly an only child that has to watch my parents in total and complete despair. Their hearts are broken and they will never be the same. John's kids have lost an earthly father, Melissa has lost her husband, my kids lost their fun uncle and I lost my brother that I shared my whole life with. It is hard to process and I am not sure I want too. My gepaw died just 2 weeks before the accident and we were all very sad but he lived 92 years. He watched his children, grandchildren and great grandchildren grow. My brother will not even see his oldest child graduate high school. It is a different kind of hurt when someone so young leaves so unexpectedly. It is stunning. It is chilling and it is gut wrenching.

I am not sure what I am suppose to do but I will trust the Lord to lead me.